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The Rest Is Silence
June 2007
 
 
 
 
 
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Sun, Jun. 17th, 2007 08:02 am

My cousin Joanne died last night after having a stroke. She was only 32.

I'm finding it surprisingly hard to deal with, considering we weren't close. I last saw her 18 months ago when Richard, Vanessa and I went to Queensland for Christmas.

I guess it's because she was the only child of my aunt and uncle (Mum's sister and brother-in-law) after they lost their son before I was born. He was only three and drowned following a car accident.

I think normally I would deal with this quite well, but because I'm not that healthy at the moment it's a bit harder. I remember when Joanne visited us when I was a kid. We were selling fruit from the bottom of our driveway and she told us if we threw stones at passing motorists, more of them would stop to buy fruit. They stopped all right, but not to buy fruit. Ha!

I wish I could go to the funeral, but (this sounds lame) that would mean forfeiting hundreds of dollars I've spent on a planned getaway this week. Vantle, Cam, Richard and I are heading to Christchurch on Wednesday. I feel a bit pathetic using that as a reason, but I'd also feel a bit pathetic if I turned up there, like I was hijacking the family's grief or something. I don't know. It's 7:52 in the morning, cut me some slack.

Off to the zoo now. I plan to kidnap a lemur to cheer myself up.

Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: Coldplay - Trouble

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Wed, Dec. 20th, 2006 10:03 pm

I passed my exams!

Do I rule? I think I rule. Only two years to go!

Current Mood: excited excited
Current Music: Aimee Mann - You Could Make A Killing

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Sat, Dec. 16th, 2006 10:43 am

Richard's birthday went swimmingly. He was hypnotised at his Christmas party into thinking he was James Bond, on a covert mission to find the hidden member of Al Qaeda in the audience. Later, he and his boss were hypnotised into falling in love with the closest person to them, which they did, but they both chose the same guy and almost got into a fight over him. Good times!  

Unfortunately, he loves the PSP I got him to the point of neglecting most of the necessities of life, including showering, eating and socialising.

Chel: So what was it you said? No talking to you for a month?
Richard: Oh, you can talk, I just won't be listening.

Could be an interesting Christmas.

Children Of Men was gritty, frank, and refreshing. I can recommend it, if you prefer your movies bleak and thought-provoking. We had an interesting discussion on the way home about how our attitudes to life would change if we were the final generation, and humans were dying out. I won't go into the details here, but needless to say, I probably wouldn't bother giving up smoking any time soon.

Tonight we're headed up north for Wintle Christmas. I hope it's warm enough to go to the lake (although I had a nightmare last night that I was clocked by a millionaire on a speedboat, Kirsty MacColl style). Failing that, I will attempt to sell fruit to the starving tourists without consuming too much of it myself. I like to set myself lofty goals at this time of year.

Finally, here's three random eccentricities I have discovered about myself in the past few days:
  • I really, really prefer even numbers, and especially numbers with a factor of four. For example, we got married on 04-12-04, and I am a lot more comfortable now that Richard is 32 rather than 31.

  • Despite me being a non-drinker, a man who smells of beer is pretty much the sexiest thing ever.

  • I am obsessed with downloading albums that I never get a chance to listen to, yet I still want more - recommendations, please! One day soon I will just go for a giant road trip and swim in it all.
I love this time of the year, but it drives me crazier.

Current Mood: thirsty thirsty
Current Music: The Shins - Pink Bullets

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Thu, Dec. 14th, 2006 10:42 pm

Davo: Hey, if you ever want to talk, I'm around.
Chel: Yeah, but admitting to some things just makes them real.
Davo: Chel, if you want to be a man, I'll support you.
Chel: Yes, but would you have gay sex with me?
Davo: I thought that was a given.

Oh, it is good to have him around again. We are currently discussing my nipples.

It's Richard's birthday tomorrow, so we're going to Flapjacks for breakfast, Red Rooster for dinner (we are pure class) and seeing Children Of Men in the evening. Clive Owen for dessert? It's like it's my birthday.

Current Mood: bitchy bitchy
Current Music: Soundgarden - Big Dumb Sex

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Sat, Mar. 4th, 2006 01:34 pm

Haha, check out what noo bought me at her local dollar store:



What the?!

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Fri, Nov. 11th, 2005 04:53 pm

I made a new friend today. This is Andy.



I found Andy on the side of the road as I was walking home. Oddly, he was amongst a pile of about six or seven shoes. Curious.

Richard hates me picking up strays (some of you may remember Marcel, from the dump) so Andy is in the washing machine at the moment. For those who are interested, he is named after Andy Rooney.



Uncanny, don't you think?

In other news, Lost has been spoiled for me, again. Serves me right for not downloading the second series, I suppose. Curse you, Interweb!

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: Metallica - No Leaf Clover

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Tue, Nov. 1st, 2005 08:39 pm

It's that time of year again. My body, mind and soul all screamed for mercy in unison, but I had to do it. Fortunately, I learned a little twelve somethings along the way. Without further ado:

Life Lessons Learned from the 2005 V 24 Hour Movie Marathon

  1. The Descent
    If your husband is skewered through the head in a freak accident, it's because he was sleeping with your super-hot best friend. Karma just works that way. Do not ask questions, do not trust hyperactive Irish girls and definitely do not go caving.

  2. The Devil's Rejects
    If Rob Zombie's super-hot wife approaches you at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere and implies that she would like to give you oral pleasure free of charge, you are insane for even waiting around to let her finish her sentence. You might as well just bludgeon yourself to death right here and now.

  3. The New Adventures Of Snow White
    It is worth hacking off parts of your own foot for a chance to marry a mulletted prince. Cows do not like it when humans suckle their udders. If you add a prosthetic nose to a stunningly beautiful woman, even bears will shun her sexual advances.

  4. Saw II
    If you leave New Kids On The Block to become a crooked detective estranged from your only son, you deserve to get dicked around my a serial killer. Loser.

  5. The Christine Jorgensen Story
    If a hooker is offering smorgasbord for a measly ten bucks, you go for it, no matter how gay you are. She was right to laugh at you, nancy-boy. Sign any contract that is put in front of you, even if is in Danish. Nothing makes boys hotter than the world's first ever post-op transsexual.

  6. Confessions Of A Young American Housewife
    Fool, your mother is hot and has the biggest tits in the world! If you're feeling insecure, it's probably not the sharpest move to invite her along to your daily group sex marathons. Also, if you walk in the park all day and have sex all night, you will never get fat, even if you are constantly eating when (a) walking in the park, and (b) having sex all night.

  7. Breakdance
    A sassy Latino girl in a bright yellow bomber jacket is an invaluable addition to any high-tension dance-off. Boys who wear long, dangly, feathered earrings will never get the girl, but they may make it to Broadway if they keep practising their totally heterosexual Street Jazz.

  8. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
    The five seconds before your dream sexual encounter is NOT the best time to reveal torrid secrets from your youth. Pissing on a corpse will only make your life more complicated. Life always works out well for gay detectives, petty thieves and Abraham Lincoln.
  9. Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny & Girly
    If you are seductively kidnapped by a two children of indeterminate age who then murder your wife, leaving you trapped in their creepy house with creepily numbered rooms, have sex with all the women in the house in order to escape. Failing this, turn yourself upside down and start talking backwards until nobody cares anymore.

  10. Fight For Your Life
    If you are going to break out of prison, make sure you take hostage the only family of jive-talking coon niggers in the world who are too stupid to take you down at any given opportunity. Small boys are easily bludgeoned to death with blunt rocks, just as hot blondes will easily discard their clothes if you chase them through the forest for five seconds.

  11. The Exorcism Of Emily Rose
    Angry demons only ever plague nervous semi-believers who live alone. Judges will often take a jury's recommendation when sentencing a prisoner. Ordering a drink and then leaving the bar before you receive it is very, very hip.

  12. John Carpenter's The Thing
    Norwegians are not to be trusted. If slimy mutated monsters start eating all your friends, stick with Kurt Russell. Nothing is going to want to eat its way through that mullet.
All in all, a successful fest. Only one of the movies was so bad it actually broke the projector (see #9). Once again, I ingested so much caffeine/sugar/nut mix that my digestive system is as irreparably damaged as my psyche. I have now seen enough boobies, blood and breakdancing to last me through to at least Christmas. That's probably just as well, because I wouldn't want to see any of that from Grandad, anyway.

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Mon, Nov. 1st, 2004 03:43 pm

My weekend was mostly taken up by movies. Thirteen movies, to be precise - and that doesn't count Scary Movie, which I watched once I got home. From 8pm Saturday through to 8pm Sunday I was holed up in a small, gradually smellier hall with a funtime group of movie fanatics. Shucks, it was like family!

I even managed to score myself a free pair of lime-green pyjamas by acting like a complete dick on stage. Or was I an asshole? Or a pussy? I lost the definition in the blur of the many films that followed the lesson. Never mind. With the information that remains intact, I can now present you with:

Life Lessons Learned from the 2004 V 24 Hour Movie Marathon

  1. The Creeping Terror
    When being approached by a deadly creature moving approximately 0.2 kilometres an hour, remaining frozen with terror will still get you eaten. If you are having trouble being digested, give a little kick and you'll soon wriggle in.

  2. Napoleon Dynamite
    When life is really getting you down and there seems no way out, find yourself an Internet bride called LaFawnduh. She'll fix everything.

  3. Team America: World Police
    Look around you. If you are on the same side as a Baldwin, you're on the wrong side. Also: oral sex solves all major international crises. Don't believe me? Try it yourself.

  4. Saw
    First check the cistern, THEN check the toilet bowl. If in doubt, cut your foot off. It's quicker.

  5. Toys Are Not For Children
    Don't be surprised when your long-estranged father gets mad after you trick him into having sex with you. If you are surprised, you are probably crazy and should push him out a window.

  6. Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
    Don't become involved with your eloquent and educated British boss. If you do, he will become obsessed with flowers and try to kill you and all of your friends.

  7. Guyana: Crime of the Century
    When roughly 900 people around you are taking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid with a view to mass suicide, don't even bother trying to fake your own death. The other dead people are sure to notice your shallow breathing and make a specatacle of you.

  8. Paparazzi
    What did I tell you about the Baldwins? Idiot.

  9. Fangs
    Little-known fact: if your sole sexual satisfaction comes with being fiddled with by snakes, despite being propositioned by the fat grocer boy and his fat lesbian sister - you're gonna die.

  10. Psychout for Murder
    If you want to kill your sister, don't go for the direct approach. Simply sleep with her husband and make sure she catches you. She'll do the job for you within minutes!

  11. Spooked
    The WTC disaster could have easily been prevented if ex-Shortland Street stars had acted sooner. Snigger.

  12. Curse of Bigfoot
    Little-known fact: the Curse of Bigfoot is in fact that he can walk at a rate of one pace every 2.7 minutes. Not very exciting, but a curse all the same.

  13. Return of the Living Dead
    If the Army accidentally sends you dozens of dead bodies in barrels, don't tell them about it. Simply hold onto them for seventeen years then activate the zombies while showing them off. The Army will then take care of the zombies - and your entire state - with shitloads of C4. And I don't mean music television.
We are both shattered. Richard is back at work and has over-caffeinated himself in order to get through the day. The following email is the result:

-----Original Message-----
From: Harrison, Richard [mailto:Richard.Harrison@aucklandcity.govt.nz]
Sent: Monday, 1 November 2004 1:45 p.m.
To: 'David Byrne'; Chelsea Wintle
Subject: RE: if you really loved me, you'd let me eat your BRAINS

I had two Vs and two Jump pills for breakfast. I'm typing around 15 billion
words per minute but only hitting the right keys about once in every four
tries. Can't go near the mouse as it won't stay on the screen.

As an additional side effect, I'm chatty as all hell and INCREDIBLY
hilarious. Cracking myself up something fierce. People at work are
laughing on the inside. Mostly while they back away slowly.

WHICH IS NO USE BECAUSE I CAN RUN FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF
SOUND!!!ARHARHARHAR!
-----

Tonight, it's off to the Playhouse for drinky-drinks with singaporegirl and dobworld and, with some luck, freak_. I'm looking forward to it, especially for the good company. But especially for the wedges.

More from Richard:

-----Original Message-----
From: Harrison, Richard [mailto:Richard.Harrison@aucklandcity.govt.nz]
Sent: Monday, 1 November 2004 2:49 p.m.
To: 'David Byrne'; Chelsea Wintle
Subject: RE: if you really loved me, you'd let me eat your BRAINS

I think the Anacondas thing could be a life lesson if thinking was possible.
I just spent about 40 seconds trying to use the word 'impervious' when I
wanted to say 'possible'. I was thinking:

ME: What's that word when it means something can be done?
BRAIN: IMPERVIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: No, brain, that's not right. Impervious means...something else. About
being solid or something?
BRAIN: IMPERMEABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: No, stay on target, brain. That's about rain water. Like in the
Amazon. With anacondas and shit. Where was I?
----

Ahem. Yes.

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Tue, Dec. 9th, 2003 12:45 pm

Sorry folks, this is friends-only from now on.

Drop me a line at ladababy@gmail.com to protest your worthiness. Of course, by taking the time to protest, you are immediately worthy. Even you, John Stamos!

I'm interesting! Make the effort!

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